Jolie-Pitt divorce: child abuse involved (Saint Angelina says so)

Update about the Jolie-Pitt divorce:

Things are getting serious…

Now Angelina Jolie claims that Brad Pitt abused their children: some days before they were on a private plane, and he allegedly got wasted and, according to Dlisted.com, “screamed and got physical with the kids”.

So here's my serious opinion:

1. They’ve been together for 12 years, and he never ever got wasted or/and stoned in front of the kids? If he did, why didn’t Angelina do a thing about? Was she busy saving kids from all around the world while hers were being abused by a douchebag she married?
2. They have an army of kids nannies. Why didn’t nannies report any previous incident involving children, alcohol, marijuana, a “mean stoner” father and a narcissistic mother who thinks she’s the reincarnation of Mother Theresa?
3. The Jolie-Pitt divorce is getting messier than Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s one. I didn’t write about the Depp-Heard one ’cause I never believed that Edward would be able to beat anyone with his scissorshands. Johnny and Amber didn’t fight for the custody of their dogs -there are celebrities that do so because, you know, any single thing your partner loves is a weapon to harm him or her-, and thank God there were no children involved.
4. Why does Angelina want the sole custody of the children? Does she have enough time to raise them properly? Does she still have public issues with her own father? Why did they adopt so many children if they’re so busy?, just because they have the money and can pay the nannies?
5. Brad Pitt has talked @ interviews about his stoner ways. Angelina can’t say she just realized his husband is a pothead. Do they have a rule about not getting high in front of the children? Do they live in a US state where medical or recreational marijuana is already legal? Where do they live at all? Do those children even go to school, have some stability in their lives?
6. When the Jolie-Pitt powerful couple is making movies, do they take their children to the locations?, or to the United Nations meetings and blah?

Why am I writing about the Jolie-Pitt divorce AGAIN while my own daughter is playing with the DVD wires?  Should I give my baby a bath before posting on my blog? Should I stop having a life just to look after my baby every single minute of every single day? Do Mexican white-collar politicians have the right to say that “working mothers” are guilty of the violence that currently devastates my country, because we don’t take care of our children? Guess what: working mothers are busy making money to make ends meet while you spend our taxes just like Javier Duarte has done!!!

Congrats to all the parents that are so concerned about the Jolie-Pitt divorce while their own children play with knives. Me? ‘nah: I write this just to make fun about everyone else but me.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce? Nobody expected that!

Everybody’s talking about bagism, shagism, dragism and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce, Brangelina’s “dissolution”. It’s such an important matter that we urgently need to discuss!!!, because, ya know, we could be talking about children from Syria, Mahatma Gandhi or Ugly Betty; but the ugly truth is that nobody cares about that anymore (specially about Ugly Betty: Salma Hayek is lame and every single Mexican on Earth hates her). And I’m so desperate to get some visits from people googling “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce” that I seriously need to blog about it eventho I don’t give a shit about.

(Yeah: I’m truly desperate to get some visits from people googling such an important matter! Next time I might even post about interesting stuff like Derma Wand, Xiaxue or Mexican journalist Jorge Ramos writing ONCE AGAIN about Donald Trump… But by now you’ve already visited my site, so you can keep on reading my blabbing or just go away! don’t bother me! use your valuable time looking after your children, because only heaven knows what they’re googling while you read my bs.)

My inner thoughts about this quantic physics problem:

Nobody expected this divorce, just like nobody expected Johnny Depp’s divorce or Courtney Stodden‘s sex tape. Nobody’s expecting Kim Kardashian‘s next selfie, nobody’s expecting Taylor Swift’s next Grammy or boyfriend, and nobody’s expecting Donald Trump’s new hairdo!!!

But guess what? I’m a mother who lets her daughter play with my dirty dogs while I write stuff nobody reads, so I’m a moral authority to say that children should live with the parent who feeds them. Period.

Here’s when the matter becomes a quantic physics problem:

I) According to DListed.com (my guilty pleasure), “Angie wants sole custody because Brad is a mean stoner and an angry drunk”.

A mean stoner? Like he doesn’t share his weed, or what? Maybe Angelina is so emaciated because Brad won’t share his food! If Brad really is a pothead, he’ll always have a ton of sugary and fatty food, but he’ll eat it all and won’t even remember about eating it. He might buy a ton of food or even two tons of food because he’ll forget he’s already bought a ton of food, but then again, he’ll eat it all before falling asleep five or six times a day or every two hours. No time or food left for the kids at all, as he spends his days smoking, eating, sleeping, and somehow looking great just to mess with Marion Cotillard before his next smoke.

Anyways, have you ever seen a “mean stoner”? Just look at Snoop Dogg’s big smile! He’s such a happy man! I’m amazed he hasn’t aged! He should even change his name not to Snoop Lion but to Snoop Cat, after Cheshire Cat, because look at his happy face.

If you ever use REAL DRUGS like heroin ONCE IN YOUR LIFE then you’ll be considered a junkie for the rest of your life (ask Angelina Jolie), but according to potheads you can use weed like forever without any problem besides coughing like a dog, being paranoid and laughing like Beavis and Butthead.

II) By now Angelina doesn’t even remember the meaning of the word “food”.

Maybe she still drinks blood from former husbands just for fun (remember her necklace with Billy Bob Thornton’s blood? We’re glad Angie didn’t marry Charlie Sheen!), or because blood is low on carbs. I don’t have siblings, but surely kissing their open mouths in public is low on carbs as well.

Of course there are nannies out there to take care of children, but celebrity nannies are BUSY with Ben Affleck, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke, Gavin Rossdale, Jon Gosselin, Rob Lowe, Arnold Schawrzenegger…

Now I have some diapers to change (my baby’s diapers, not mines), so please come back to my blog whenever you‘re procrastinating want to practice your Spanish because my English is so poor I even want to laugh like I was Snoop Cheshire.

PS: God bless Jennifer Aniston for her movies with Adam Sandler!!!